I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I feel hopeless and completely useless. I have no purpose in this world; as if I don’t fit in. Things go good, yes but not for long. These minute high points in my life are followed by a continuous downward spiral which I can’t get out of. At the same time though I feel like a fraud. I feel like I am just making up these feelings to give myself a reason for screwing things up. I don’t know what I can do anymore.
Birthday’s are a time where you should be able to feel loved and special (well that’s what I believe anyway) but I’m just full of dread. To me it’s a time to highlight all those fake friends and relationships you have in life. You know the ones you make to get you through the day, to try and make yourself feel less lonely? These relationships don’t even work for me anymore. I sit surrounded by space at college now – the only communications are the imperative ones to make me not look like I’m mute.
Days are counting down now until my birthday and my family are not letting me forget it, constantly asking me what I want to do? You don’t want to know what I want to do. I want to curl up in a ball and pretend that I don’t exist on the good days. Other days all I can think about is how ‘if I died on my birthday at least it will be one less day for people to remember me’. My birthday and death day being the same sounds like a grand idea.
To me putting ‘happy’ in the same sentence as ‘birthday’ seems like a joke to me. The 27th October is a prominent time for mum to spring into action once again. My mum grows on me like mould. I’m the host to her party. I let her take control of my emotions until there is none of the original me left. I get thrown in the bin and don’t learn from my mistakes either. I hate myself for that. Why don’t I ever stop myself for falling for the same thing again? This relationship is a fake one which springs up when she needs to prove to her friends that everything’s fine and dandy and in fact she’s not psychotic. That’s probably a harsh word to use but the only one at this minute in time that is appropriate for her actions.