A lot has changed in this past year, I have been somewhat successful In getting through a retake year at A-levels, I am (hopefully) about to complete my ISTD Tap teacher training, and I have a gained so many new and brilliant experiences as a dance teacher with kids I love and who I have seen grow and progress. But there is still something missing. I feel that with my life I can never actually tell anyone whats going on. My family life is too complicated to even try and explain but even that is the barrier between letting anyone know what is going on with me. I find teaching such a struggle when parents trust me with there kids and thank me for what I have done; all I have running through my head is ‘if only you knew how much of a fuck up I am’. They really don’t know me – I am no role model to their kids.
I have scars laden all up my arms which I hide with a ‘confident’ and professional exterior, wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer whilst everyone surrounding me is there either in summer dresses or vests. I cannot hide my body so successfully. My weight has plummeted recently as I have lost over 30lbs in the past few months. I feel unable to eat anything and I am constantly stuck between exhaustion, hunger and guilt. There is only so long you can pretend to be fine for. I have some parents complementing me on my new slim physique, some obviously staring at my figure, and some actually having the guts to ask if I’m ok only dreading the answer. My answer is always ‘I’m fine’. I wish I knew how to say anything else. I cant bring myself to it. I am not a problem.
I thought I could get out of this cycle I have landed myself in. At first it was the naivety of I will be able to snap out of it like last time, but I continuously impress myself with my will power whilst also scare my self with the lack of control. I feel myself failing at something I thought I could only be good at. I no longer want my weight to go down, I don’t want the attention and I don’t want to show weakness. I don’t know how long my teaching will last; should you be able to teach kids when you look like me?
I want to be their role model but they cannot take me as a role model. I don’t want younger ones growing up thinking that what I’m doing (what they can outwardly see of it anyways) is normal and aspirational. I am constantly stuck infront of mirrors in tight fitting clothing. My mind confuses me. I can look at my body as fat, perfect and disgustingly thin all whilst teaching one hour dance class. Who the hell can I trust if I can no longer even trust myself?
People tell me that the more you talk about things the easier life gets, well I am positively awful (putting it very politely) at talking to people so in a way I’m hoping that this blog or post at least may help somewhat; well its worth a shot…